"It is truly senseless for me to be
here today, because no matter what I say or do, no justice will ever be served,
no wounds will be healed, and yesterday's pain will still be there when I wake
up tomorrow.
Every day I watch the rest of the world
go on in slow motion, but our calendar is still stuck on May 9th. Sometimes I
walk outside and check and make sure she's not there, running towards our house,
only a block from yours. Sometimes I whisper the word "Mom" just to be
able to hear it again.
I always pretend
that she'll come home again and I can see her again and maybe even touch her for
a moment. Not only did you take away our mother, but you killed my best friend
and left me all alone. No matter how many people love me or care about me,
somehow, I will always be alone because of you. I live with that heavy feeling
in my heart everyday- knowing someone raped and murdered my mother, the one
person I admired and loved unconditionally, with the leash from my own
house.
The sound of the word
"missing" I can still hear clearly, because that is what she is-
missing in action. You will never know the feeling of the words "the body
has been identified, it was a homicide". As I stared at my mother in the
coffin, it seemed unreal that an actual person could cause somebody so much
pain, the same body that had touched so many lives and brought so much good into
the world. I will never have my old life back, nor will I ever accept that my
mom is dead, because she is not. A worthless piece of dirt killed her.
You are the reason that she won't see me graduate. You are the reason there will
be an empty seat at my wedding. You are the reason for every second in my life
when I need her, and she is not there. Even her garden, like us, remains
lifeless as it struggles to bloom. And as Mother's Day rolls around again, as it
will every year of my life, instead of coming home to my Mom, I will go to her
grave instead and pray that I could hear the flutter of her wings for just a
second. I can only hope that she is happy and safe. She won't even be able to
see her own grandchildren. I will have to explain to my kids why she isn't
there.
My Mom taught me that life is
beautiful, and despite you, I intend to live mine. You will never pay for your
evil crime in this lifetime, but I am certain that you will rot in hell forever-
exactly where you should be."
-Kaitlyn Brown
Daughter of Penny Brown
May 1, 2000
